Untold Untruths

I... am so... gloriously happy that I might not sleep well tonight. I popped by the Cosmotots forum to read what else the kids there had to say about my essay, and one of them completely blew me away. The kid must be a genius or something. He not only saw the one thing that nobody else saw in my essay (i.e. the "people have always judged a book by its cover" thing), but he also managed to identify every single theme and furthermore put them into words better than I could have done.

JunYit's answer to the Topcat's question
I like her language because she is able to use advanced words like malevolent and xenoism. She is also able to describe things in her essay without being long winded. For example 'We're told that it was sudden and unexpected. They came in flashes of blinding white light that sparked, blazed, and flickered dangerously until they were all here - hundreds of them,' and 'They are lovely, delicate beings, tall and slender, more picturesque than anything ever conceived by imagination, and they have no inkling what clothing is. I think all they have ever worn, and ever will wear, is their dazzling silver glaze.'

I think that in writing this essay, the author has an underlying message to deliver, and that is that for every good thing that happens, there is always a bad side. I think it also says that from the dawn of mankind, like in the book "The Phantom of the Opera", people have always judged a book by its cover, and this still continues in the future. In this case the workers of the homes do not realise that this interspecies child is smart but because she look hideous, she is rejected.

What I love best... is that the fellow said "She is also able to describe things in her essay without being long winded." Ahh... Even if I don't win the competition I'm already happy beyond words :) My work has not gone without scrutiny, my efforts without recognition! What worth is winning a competition when you suddenly realise what some people see in your story?

It means I have achieved the first step toward my dreams of writing! My story is - an essay!

I told the guy that I'm going to sleep with a big smile tonight. Chin Jin Han can keep his stuffy first place, and that... (can't recall name) girl her iPod. I am a winner in those kids' eyes - Sir's too - and that means all the world to me. It's like I'm holding the whole world in my hands again.

I got a letter from MPH today, inviting all the finalists and I to their prize-giving ceremony on the 8th of November. Me wonders: if I do not win, will my Chinese (which is on the 10th) suffer from my bruised ego? Lord, I hope not... Addmath trials were bad enough.

Scholarships have been all the craze lately. Nearly everyone I know has applied for some scholarship or other, and mum's being generous with the pressure. Wednesday in school was spent running up and down with Ee Ling, photocopying stuff, hunting teachers down to certify them so that I could attach them all to my ASEAN and local matriculation applications. Matriculation stuff we passed up on the day itself, so that's a load off; ASEAN stuff are now all nicely arranged in a clear plastic file, waiting to be express-mailed off tomorrow.

I got a good look, and I mean a really good look, at my productiveness during my last 5 years. I guess... If I were a big picture kinda person, I would say I'd done not bad. School drama representative, Bronze medallist in SEA Forensics, MPH shortlisted candidate... Heck I got 4th in class though I only had 7 As for forecast. Yeah I'd be a liar to say I'm not glad, but it feels so cheap.

It's like: Is this it? 5 years, and this is all?

This is all I've done? All I'm worth?

5 years. I could've started the Drama Club. I could've joined Forensics since Form 1. I could've been an active uniformed member. I could've auditioned for all the major events in school. I could've been onstage for all of them. I could've made more friends. I could've helped some people. I could've gotten along better with prefects and teachers. I could've studied harder, could've been more responsible, could've been more enthusiastic and bersemangat about my class, my school...

Cow gets a bit tired of me saying I feel like a loser. He doesn't believe a word of it because he argues that most people have less to feel proud of. But when you look at Nicholas, or Florence, or Sean, or Harold, or Mei Yan, or Kelly... Geez man, they didn't waste a single ha'second of their time in school. Or if they did, nobody would know it. They all have fantastic grades, good co-curricular records, incredible rapport with students and teachers alike (this except maybe for Kelly)... Any institution would be stupid to not buzz em through with a green light, and a red carpet.

I know I'm saying this myself, but I'm not much dumber than they are, and definitely not much less capable. So where did I go wrong? Why did I waste my time like that? It's really not about the stuff that are black and white (i.e. certificates, report card etc) per se. I haven't gone very far in the things that matter most to me either. Language, thinkership, character-development, drawing, writing, acting, making friends... The cardinal sin here is that I could have done so much, but ended up doing so little...

I told Yunn Hwa once that my biggest fear this year was for it to be not well spent, that at the end of it all I would look back and feel that I hadn't done enough - that there would be no satisfaction of a job well done.

Heads up, Krys: graduation's next Tuesday.

Oh Lord... Is this really it?

Angeline asked me in church today whether the results for the MPH competition were out. I told her I didn't know, but they should be out this month. Grace, who was also there, told me that the polls were already out. The winner got 900+ votes; I got 18.

18 votes. Would that mean I only have 18 friends who care? 18 people out of the 46 in my class? 18 out of all the people I told about my essay? 18 out of the God-knows-how-many votes Seng Yoon claimed he was getting for me?

18 votes. 18 fucking votes. Is that how much people care about me? Is that how much my essay is worth?

I nearly cried when I was on the back-up team. I don't think I had ever known true disappointment until today. It hurt so much.

And now Cow is mad at me for being mad. I think I'm mad at him for being such a stupid boyfriend.

I love what Sir's done with the IQD forum. The kids are practically bouncing off the balls of their feet; they participate with so much enthusiasm. And no wonder too, they get asked so many interesting questions and get introduced so many interesting debate propositions.

Some examples:

QUESTION
The environment Scarlett O'Hara grew up in is ideal for developing Elois. Do you agree? Why and why not?

Would you rather be passionate but decisive, or cool but indecisive? Discuss with reference to Scarlett and Ashley.

DEBATE
You are a manager of a company with 50 employees. Would you employ management in Jack's ruthless way, or Ralph's gentle way? Proposition to support Jack's ruthlessness in method and efficiency, opposition to argue that employees are human beings and not animals.

ESSAY
I would rather marry a wench like Scarlett O'Hara than a lady like Melanie Hamilton.

Beautiful questions. But I'm too lazy to take the initiative to compose an answer for each, love it as I might if I were back in Cosmotots. Just reading the questions sets your mind reeling with opinions and supportive arguments. If my kid were to participate the way some of them are doing right now in the forum, I'd be so damned proud. If this is what Sir means by developing thinkership ability, I think he's doing an incredible job of it.

No huraian tonight, I'm too lazy.