Untold Untruths
Mike Wozowski is gobsmacked for good reason.
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Friday, October 21
The Big Finale
I got a letter from MPH today, inviting all the finalists and I to their prize-giving ceremony on the 8th of November. Me wonders: if I do not win, will my Chinese (which is on the 10th) suffer from my bruised ego? Lord, I hope not... Addmath trials were bad enough.
Scholarships have been all the craze lately. Nearly everyone I know has applied for some scholarship or other, and mum's being generous with the pressure. Wednesday in school was spent running up and down with Ee Ling, photocopying stuff, hunting teachers down to certify them so that I could attach them all to my ASEAN and local matriculation applications. Matriculation stuff we passed up on the day itself, so that's a load off; ASEAN stuff are now all nicely arranged in a clear plastic file, waiting to be express-mailed off tomorrow.
I got a good look, and I mean a really good look, at my productiveness during my last 5 years. I guess... If I were a big picture kinda person, I would say I'd done not bad. School drama representative, Bronze medallist in SEA Forensics, MPH shortlisted candidate... Heck I got 4th in class though I only had 7 As for forecast. Yeah I'd be a liar to say I'm not glad, but it feels so cheap.
It's like: Is this it? 5 years, and this is all?
This is all I've done? All I'm worth?
5 years. I could've started the Drama Club. I could've joined Forensics since Form 1. I could've been an active uniformed member. I could've auditioned for all the major events in school. I could've been onstage for all of them. I could've made more friends. I could've helped some people. I could've gotten along better with prefects and teachers. I could've studied harder, could've been more responsible, could've been more enthusiastic and bersemangat about my class, my school...
Cow gets a bit tired of me saying I feel like a loser. He doesn't believe a word of it because he argues that most people have less to feel proud of. But when you look at Nicholas, or Florence, or Sean, or Harold, or Mei Yan, or Kelly... Geez man, they didn't waste a single ha'second of their time in school. Or if they did, nobody would know it. They all have fantastic grades, good co-curricular records, incredible rapport with students and teachers alike (this except maybe for Kelly)... Any institution would be stupid to not buzz em through with a green light, and a red carpet.
I know I'm saying this myself, but I'm not much dumber than they are, and definitely not much less capable. So where did I go wrong? Why did I waste my time like that? It's really not about the stuff that are black and white (i.e. certificates, report card etc) per se. I haven't gone very far in the things that matter most to me either. Language, thinkership, character-development, drawing, writing, acting, making friends... The cardinal sin here is that I could have done so much, but ended up doing so little...
I told Yunn Hwa once that my biggest fear this year was for it to be not well spent, that at the end of it all I would look back and feel that I hadn't done enough - that there would be no satisfaction of a job well done.
Heads up, Krys: graduation's next Tuesday.
Oh Lord... Is this really it?
Scholarships have been all the craze lately. Nearly everyone I know has applied for some scholarship or other, and mum's being generous with the pressure. Wednesday in school was spent running up and down with Ee Ling, photocopying stuff, hunting teachers down to certify them so that I could attach them all to my ASEAN and local matriculation applications. Matriculation stuff we passed up on the day itself, so that's a load off; ASEAN stuff are now all nicely arranged in a clear plastic file, waiting to be express-mailed off tomorrow.
I got a good look, and I mean a really good look, at my productiveness during my last 5 years. I guess... If I were a big picture kinda person, I would say I'd done not bad. School drama representative, Bronze medallist in SEA Forensics, MPH shortlisted candidate... Heck I got 4th in class though I only had 7 As for forecast. Yeah I'd be a liar to say I'm not glad, but it feels so cheap.
It's like: Is this it? 5 years, and this is all?
This is all I've done? All I'm worth?
5 years. I could've started the Drama Club. I could've joined Forensics since Form 1. I could've been an active uniformed member. I could've auditioned for all the major events in school. I could've been onstage for all of them. I could've made more friends. I could've helped some people. I could've gotten along better with prefects and teachers. I could've studied harder, could've been more responsible, could've been more enthusiastic and bersemangat about my class, my school...
Cow gets a bit tired of me saying I feel like a loser. He doesn't believe a word of it because he argues that most people have less to feel proud of. But when you look at Nicholas, or Florence, or Sean, or Harold, or Mei Yan, or Kelly... Geez man, they didn't waste a single ha'second of their time in school. Or if they did, nobody would know it. They all have fantastic grades, good co-curricular records, incredible rapport with students and teachers alike (this except maybe for Kelly)... Any institution would be stupid to not buzz em through with a green light, and a red carpet.
I know I'm saying this myself, but I'm not much dumber than they are, and definitely not much less capable. So where did I go wrong? Why did I waste my time like that? It's really not about the stuff that are black and white (i.e. certificates, report card etc) per se. I haven't gone very far in the things that matter most to me either. Language, thinkership, character-development, drawing, writing, acting, making friends... The cardinal sin here is that I could have done so much, but ended up doing so little...
I told Yunn Hwa once that my biggest fear this year was for it to be not well spent, that at the end of it all I would look back and feel that I hadn't done enough - that there would be no satisfaction of a job well done.
Heads up, Krys: graduation's next Tuesday.
Oh Lord... Is this really it?