Untold Untruths

Liz and I have always been the best of friends. Even when we weren't in the same class, or couldn't agree on something, so long as something big was up, the other would be the first person to turn to. Up until a certain point, we agreed that we must be two of the kindred spirits Anne of Green Gables kept talking about, because no one could ever understand what we talked about together, or why we would ever talk or think about the things we did. I mean, we've been really really tight la. Best friends forever, schizo-amoeba forever... But now that we've finally graduated and are truly going our seperate ways, a lot of things which have actually been there all along's become more and more apparent... And while once upon a time, they would never have mattered, it's gotten slightly unbearable today.

She's always been really well-off, but it never mattered till this year. She always has somewhere to go in the holidays, and it is always somewhere really lavish like Europe. Recently it was Phillipines, Japan and Korea, and next Thursday she's off to Italy. It's difficult not to care nowadays... Because you want all of it so badly too. And now that clothes and accessories matter, it's difficult not to look at her and wish you could afford all that she has. Cool clothes from Milan, shoes, bags, sunglasses... And she's always so happy about what she buys, and always has so much to say about how much she loves them... And I never really know what to say in response. It's always about how much discount she got off her spectacles, and the end-price is still more than the usual price mum would ever consider for myself, or how she totally absolutely loves her new off-shoulder long-sleeve shirt... I don't like it that I'm letting this affect our relationship, but given the circumstances, I wonder whether she's playing it up also...

It really sucks when stuff like this gets in the way, you know? If you're tight, you're tight and that should be that. There shouldn't be factors like "she's richer than me", or "she's luckier than me", or "she's got so many more nicer clothes than me"... And how do you tell her about it and expect her to change anything? She can't. End-up right, it's up to me to deal with my own bitter bullshit and sometimes it gets really, really difficult.

It feels really good to be with people like Ee Ling, Chiew Min and Yunn Hwa, because I don't feel anything like all that... When I was with Caleen, Zhen Cui and gang, I worried about what to wear, and bugged mum to buy me nicer clothes and everything till mum got really quite angry at me. I think... I can't look at my friends and not feel that I have to be as good as them. It doesn't just apply to material stuff, I mean, I've always felt that I have to do as well or even better than Liz etc...

I dunno man. I have a feeling that this is one of those serious personality faults... But I don't know what to do about it. It's not like I haven't tried before or anything.

But thank God la that ultimately, she's still the first person I go to when something overwhelming happens, and I'm still the first person she comes to. It proves we're still kindred spirits...


This isn't one of those posts which I can re-read and edit... Writing it's already given me a headache.