Untold Untruths

It is settled. Jo called this afternoon to schedule our chat at 11am tomorrow. I have been undergoing a formidable amount of queasiness over this.

What if, during our talk tomorrow, Sir suddenly decides that I don't really have any abilities at all? That I am not qualified to be a "chosen one"? That I am a mistake and not worth his precious correspondence?

Fear is throttling me.

OK not really. But that line sounded cool :)

Dear God, I pray that whatever happens tomorrow will be according to Your will. I know that You can only have the bestest plans in store for me. So if things happen Your way, dear Lord... I won't feel so bad if it messes up. Help me be calm and collected tomorrow, Father. I pray that no insecurities will hinder me.

In Jesus' most Precious name, Amen.

Mr. Rao's tuition finally ended today. Someone let out a deafening yell at the end of Addmath. (It wasn't Tee Yew, for a wonder.) I could relate completely. I'm so grateful it's over: those early mornings have been getting tougher and tougher to shake off.

Worse still, I've been incredibly lethargic during class these last 2 weeks. The cold air from the conditioners keep drying up my contact lenses and cause my vision to blur. It made me sleepier than I usually already am.

Mr. Rao is an odd man, successful as he is. Half a year with him and I'm no closer to guessing what's his game than I ever was. He talks about paying respect to nature so that it will take care of you; about how if you let any one businessman know your birthdate you are putting yourself in danger; about having contacts at Bukit Aman Police Station and how he can (and already has) get anyone in trouble with the authorities by simply placing a call... and so on.

He teaches Physics, Chemistry and Addmath all the way till Upper-6-standards. He's supposed to be a man of science and reason. Yet he can spend up to half-an-hour talking about these things, and relate allegedly true incidents with it. I don't really know what to make of him.

When he was talking about the birthdates thing, I asked Sukanya if it were true. (He was saying that there was this Hindu-religion book thing which you could use to find out everything about anybody, if only you have their birthdate.)

She said it was all crap.

She told me quite abit too, about their religion, because I asked who did she pray to. "God." She said. Apparently, to them, God comes in all sorts of forms. It was something about how different parts of India prefer to pray and worship to a certain aspect of the same God. The same God could come in the form of a mother, a daughter, a father, a warrior, a bringer of wealth and fortune etc.

"Take me for an example. Different people see a different side of me. My parents see me as a daughter. My sister sees me as an elder sister. My school sees me as a prefect. My friends see me as a friend. You know?"

Sukanya helped me understand in that way. She's a really cool girl.

It makes me wonder a bit about the God I pray to. Could we be praying to the same God? Just in different names and ways? But... no it can't be, because they don't know about what God did.

Finally replied Sir today.


To : yoongtc@undisclosed.com
Subject: Re: PHANTOM OF DELIGHT
____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sir,

Thank God for a reply from you :) I was indeed very dubious about the obsolete-ness of your old email address, but decided to write to you regardless. Do thank your computer geek for me :)

Reading your email made me beam like the sun. It quite blew up my head, Sir. I have never received such praise before :) Thank you. And you know, it is amusing to think that I were fiery, because to be sure, right now I can remember no quite such thing.

My career is a near-complete haze at the moment, so I am extremely grateful to have you speak in such positive conviction. It is most re-assuring and yes! I would be very, very proud to be one of your "chosen ones".

Marcus the Brute is no longer very much of a brute, thank God :) He is a much nicer young man now. Though occassionally, he does launch into abit of a tantrum regarding his computer. I've been bringing him to church for the youth service, and his attitude has improved very much this year.

About our little chat, may I propose this Friday morn? I will of course call up your Girl Friday before my mum and I pop in.

And if I may ask, why in the world are you bald now? I hope this happened by your choice, and that it wasn't the tobacco... or anything of the sort. You are well, aren't you?

I remain yours truly,
Krystle.

PS. My sister makes a face at the line "Please give Eunice a kick on the glueteus maximus for giving you the wrong address." Haha :)

PPS. It's Kryst-L-E, not Kryst-A-L (scowl) and not Wrong to boot!



... So. What am I going to wear tomorrow?

I feel mildly miserable. Stayed up till 2something am last night polishing and finishing the Christmas Skit script, but after today, it turns out that most of the work I put in will be scraped away. I don't even have a reason to go for practices anymore. James will be the one completely in charge now.

Am I being too ambitiously bossy to want to help direct the cast? And write the script? For wanting some things to go my way? So that I can feel that I've chipped in abit, and can step back later on to admire my handiwork? I don't know. This feeling kinda sucks. Maybe He's trying to teach me some humility.

Eugene belanja-ed me again today. It made me feel so bad.

And our cell-group party this Friday has been cancelled. Now I have to call Mei Yan up and tell her about it. If I had some credit I would message her to save myself the trouble, but I don't.

Liz messaged earlier to ask for confirmation about carolling on Thursday. I don't even know if I want to go anymore, considering I never even attended a single proper practice session. To just jump in like that would be quite awkward because I'm unfamiliar with mostly everything. I don't know the harmonization parts nor the complete lyrics of the carols.

I haven't replied Sir because I don't know what to say just yet. I fear that I'd spent so much time composing my last email to him that he now has some false impression of my writing ability, or whatnot. And it makes me wonder also whether he'd only put in so much praise because I'd flattered him so. All the same, perhaps this Friday morning, Mum and I will pop in at Cosmotots to speak with him.

Watched The Polar Express yesterday with Eugene and Ken Han. It was only an OK movie. I owe them both really nice Christmas presents. I'm thinking of the boxes of Adidas EUFA 2004 t-shirts.

TC Yoong (yoongtc@undisclosed.com)
11:20am (11 hours ago)
Subject: PHANTOM OF DELIGHT

My dear Krystal, what a delightful surprise you gace me with that cheonghei email. I hasten to reply. Please see attached.
____________________________________________________________________________

Fr The PROMETHEUS of TC YOONG
yoongtc@undisclosed.com
Monday, December 13, 2004

To: Krystal [kwiwa.wiwa@undisclosed.com]

My dear, dear Krystal of the Wong, how can you even imagine that I would ever forget you? You were one of my best. I talk about you all the time to my present lot of kids and always, in the most positive frame of reference. To be sure, you were always the fiery one but that, to me, was a positive attribute. I have always held that a little Promethean fire in us can make so much difference in determining whether we are alive or dead.

I regret that I did not receive your cheonghei email until this morning. You sent it to my old email address. Fortunately, I now have a computer geek working as a slave in COSMOTOTS iqd and he somehow managed to retrieve it for me. Please give Eunice a kick on the glueteus maximus for giving you the wrong address.

You know, Krystal, I correspond regularly with many COSMOTOTS iqd alumni and they come from all over - England, Australia, Germany, Canada and so on. Of course, since I have very limited time, I pick and choose who I want to correspond with. You, dear girl, would be one whose career I would like to follow forever and a day. Can I invite you to be one of my chosen ones? You really don't have to stop your connection with COSMOTOTS iqd just because your mother is no longer paying any fee, do you?

YES, what you want and what your parents want may not be in tandem. I really would like to help. Why don't you come in and have a little chat with me? Anytime. It is now holiday time and you are free in the morning, yes? Any morning except Tuesday is fine. Just call 7729-XXXX and ask for a sweet lady by the name of Jo to double check my availability. She's my Girl Friday and she is my boss where time scheduling is concerned. Indeed, if you like, why not drag your mother along? I might be of help in knocking some sense into her. What?

Incidentally, how is Marcus the Brute doing?

I look forward to meeting up with you again but please be prepared for a sea change. I am now bald headed like Kojak. Explanation when we meet, yes?



I'm so, so happy :) So happy that I half feel like crying. Even though he spelt my name wrong the same way James did. Thank you, dear God.

James is exasperating. You just never know whether he's there or not.

We're supposed to be discussing the script but he's not replying me at the moment. And Eugene isn't online yet to discuss it with either so now I am in a rather wretched position. I can't edit the script without editing my parts, and I can't edit my parts, because I won't be around on the 18th to take part in this play. So how now, brown cow?

Which reminds me. Cow isn't around either because he and his family are currently in Penang. Grumblegrumble.

Was finally handed a copy of the script today, and it is quite an awful piece of work. But this is only from my dubiously perfectionistic point of view. I think the most trying of the many offenses this script contains, is that James spelt my name wrong. And because I am supposed to be host of this... "quite late" show, my poor mutated name appears in a most disturbing quantity all over the script. I never knew how disquieting it was to see your name spelt wrong all over a piece of paper.

God help us. We only have a week before the Presentation itself.

Sir hasn't replied my email. It only figures, considering the obsolete-ness of "@pop.jaring.my" domains. Sigh. I think I have to call Cosmotots up for an appointment with him after all.

Not much mood for blogging today. Waiting is such a tiresome thing.

PS. There's a line I pacticularly liked in the Cogito, depicting large amounts of something. I can't recall it at all now. It irks me so much!!! *GROWL*

Dad said at lunch that Uncle Randy thinks I'm very snobbish. I'm offended. I never mean to be snobbish, if I am at all. It hurt quite alot to hear it, though dad has mentioned it before. Maybe I should just smile more at him so that he'll stop thinking such unpleasant things about me. I'm never going to be able to think very nicely of him after this.

It has been a busy week. Nicky came up from Singapore and he's taller than Kuok Pin now. He looks alot like a poker, because he's incredibly skinny. Funny that I never noticed before. I think it might be because his cuteness takes alot of attention off his body. He's finally met Cow, and I believe he thinks he's ugly. "He looks like a rodent!"

I've been going out every single day with Nicky and Kuok Pin. Kuok Pin picked me up at State after my tuition (he drives now), except on Wednesday when I skipped class for the first time this entire holidays. We went to Times Square. It's the most tiringly boring shopping complex I've ever been to. Nicky was quite silent then. It made me wonder if it were because Cow were there, but it's only postulation (new word :) .

CF Camp ended yesterday. Everybody seems to have had a wonderful time. Marcus came back bubbling nonstop. I'm quite proud of him because he signed everybody(so he says)'s autograph books. He actually seemed to pay attention to his surroundings while he was there because he could describe the place, what they did and where they went. I think our family realised just how much nosier the house is when he is around. It's good to have him back :)

I bought him a Half-life 2 poster for RM6 at Sungei Wang on Wednesday. He likes it, but says he'd have preferred the game itself.

Cus is leaving for CF Camp tomorrow. He isn't nervous at all. "Haiyor, what's there to be afraid of?" Mum's going to take him out shopping later for some necessities. Everyone is more excited for him than he is for himself. I feel really proud of him :) I'm going to pray everyday and night that he's having fun and that he's made friends and that he's learnt more about Jesus and that he has fallen deeper in love.

Still burping all the way from Friday morning. It doesn't feel quite so bad anymore though. I think I've even been temporarily put off fried and oily foods. Nothing edible that glimmers suspiciously under the light incites my taste buds anymore. Praise God! If this keeps up I might actually manage to not gain weight :)

Went to church today for the first Sunday in years. Discussed the Christmas play with James, Hui Yii, Melissa and Grace. It didn't feel comfortable discussing it with them because I'm not close to most of them. I didn't dare object to anything they suggested because they seemed more experienced. I think I'm going to be one of the hosts on our mock tabloid TV Show, along with James. I'm not too happy with the draft we currently have, but maybe it's only because most of it wasn't my idea. Selfish of me, yes. But if it all turns out well and dandy I will be entirely happy all the same.

The full dress rehearsal for our special Christmas presentation is on the 12th, which is practically next week. And we haven't even started on our script yet. I thought I would be the one writing the script at first, but I wasn't familiar with most of the superhero characters so Grace decided for us that James would write it and I would make the amendments afterward.

The play is still incredibly messy at this stage, so I think I'd rather not describe it.

And James isn't as cute as I first thought he was. So I don't know why I feel uncomfortably insecure around him. I half think it might be the way he manages to make everyone around him laugh even when I don't get the joke.

Cow's party was very nice. I think he looks cuter when he believes he's in charge of something. He moves around alot more and looks deceivingly industrious. I saw Hui Ying at the party and she reminds me exceedingly of Jolene (the wide-eyed prefect). Didn't eat much at all even though the barbequed chicken looked so scrumpy. Had wind the whole time so I didn't dare to consume anything unhealthy.

Which reminds me: I had diarrhea this morning! I woke up at 8.08am, brushed my teeth, dressed, accessorized, went down, toasted some bread, let go a fart, and realised that I'd pooped in my pants. It was awful. I had to go back up the stairs with a disgustingly wet rear, go into the toilet, take off my jeans, finish my pooping and wash my undies. Urgh...

Cow came to church yesterday when I thought he wasn't coming anymore. He dressed up more than usual (khaki-colored collar shirt and white top) and his hair's grown so long that he even looks good without needing much 'solidified brilliantine' anymore :) Was so happy to see him that I kept inadvertently kissing his shoulder. He said afterward that I was extra "perky today".

Hehe, perky. Just today, Grace told me that if I were to be a TV host, could I be more perky because I have a very relaxed manner of speaking. Nobody has ever told me that before. I wonder if she meant it in a good way. I felt quite dumb today because it didn't feel natural talking to them. Wasn't used to their way of speech, different slangs and expressions. I ended up tripping over my tongue (is that a mixed metaphor?) quite a formidable number of times and kept spluttering like a linguistically-challenged moron. Sigh.

Upon hindsight "Bon Voyage" seems a very unsuitable title for this particular post, but I'm too lazy to think of another one :)

Guten nacht! (Or however it is you say good night in German.)

I feel terrible. Wind has been filling up the chamber of my stomach all day and I couldn't stop burping and farting throughout BM tuition. I must have been extremely put-offing to teacher and Kenny, but when one is in acute misery, there is absolutely no desire for one's social autonomy to take charge. All I wanted then and there was for me to be done with that odious essay and recover. I am done with the essay now, but I haven't recovered at all. *wails* God help me! I have a party later to attend :(

To: yoongtc@undisclosed.my
Subject: I'm not spam, I promise!
___________________________________________________________________________

Good evening Sir!

Inevitably, the first thing I'd like to ask you is: Do you remember me? :)

If you don't, I was the one with the chubby face and glasses. Marcus Wong's sister, if that jogs a clearer memory.

If you do, then I'm just too happy for words :)

I've been meaning to drop by to have a chat with you over some stuff, but you never seem to be in. My mother suggested calling your office and set up an appointment to meet with you, but the word 'appointment' always put me off. (It sounded like a leeetle too much of a bother, no offense :)

Thankfully however, my sister (Eunice) helped me get your e-mail address yesterday, so here I am.

I've been reading the Cogito newsletters she brings back every now and then. They remind me very strongly of all the things you used to teach us and also, of all the awful merciless hounding you put us and our poor essays through. (You haven't changed a bit, you sarcastic fiend.) They have made me realise how valuable your I.Q.D. programme was, and now I regret not appreciating enough of what you were doing for us back then. If I had known then how much of a real education I was receiving, I would have been a much better student, methinks.

Right now, I really miss Cosmotots and especially your harsh criticism (kowtow). They were the best and most constructive motivation I have ever found. The essays I write nowadays (nowayears, more like) are utter rubbish because I lack the drive to write. There is no one to mark them for me whose grading I would trust. The teachers in school give A's according to grammar mistakes, "isi kandungan", spelling mistakes and the like. They don't really give a crap about how you present your work, how mature your thinking is and all that.

In Cosmotots, things were different. There was nothing we could write that could find no fault with you. It made getting an A+ from you a real honour. Your incessant comments and cristicism gave me a foundation to build my work upon, and now that I don't have anything like that anymore, my writing has taken quite a severe nosedive. I am not as good as I want to be. And though I want to develop any potential that I might possess, without guidance, I am a bit at a lost for what to do.

I am 16 now, and turning 17 next year. Although I believe my forte is in art, I enrolled in the pure-science stream because mum thinks that it will offer more job opportunities. My mum frets everyday that I will not get enough A's in SPM (I got 6 in PMR) and that I will not be able to go to a good university. She does not believe in colleges and I think neither do I. She also says that if I do not get a scholarship anywhere, I might not be able to go uni at all because of financial difficulties.

The plan for now is that I am to get wundabatastic results for SPM, go Form 6, and then and only then decide where I really want to go. I know my forays will never be into science. I loathe physics and biology. What I want is to study something to do with writing skill perhaps, and take up art as a side-course. I don't suppose what I want will eventually earn me alot of moolah, but it's really important to me that I end up working a job I enjoy!

What I need, dear Sir, is some direction for my looming future. And some help/tips/suggestions in order to develop my writing. There is no one I defer to more than you in respect of these things, which is why I'm turning to you. Please won't you make me a happy girl and reply this ultra cheonghei email? :)

By the by, how are you? And are you delving into the history of the Greek Gods again? Prometheus, Zeus, Heracles, Pandora etc make quite a show in October's Cogito. And why in the world are you publishing such violent stories? As though the kids under your tutelage aren't violent enough as they are (just look at Eunice).

Oh, and before I forget, could you recommend a nice, good list of books? There doesn't seem to be anything particularly decent in the bookstores nowadays. And if I recall correctly, did you once say that "My Word" isn't in publication anymore? I would love to get a copy of it if it's possible :) It's fantastic shit, pardon the dubious vocabulary.

Here's hoping you're well and kicking!

Yours truly,
Krystle.


...I haven't clicked Send yet. I'm so afraid he'll read this and think I'm an airhead.

It hurt when Cow said that bloggin to myself might actually be less substantial than when blogging for others. I don't know why it should hurt, only it did.

Sir is the most linguistically talented and witty person I know. Reading the stuff he writes leaves you no room for envy because you're just so much in awe and enjoyment. He's a really damned good writer :) Picked up a random issue of Cogito I saw lying on the kitchen divider earlier and read it. Afterward I asked Mi to help collect as many Cogito issues as she can possibly find at Cosmotots, and to get Sir's e-mail address too. I'm hoping for a correspondence with this brilliant mentor. If I want to get anywhere with I.Q.D. and linguistic abilities... Well I can think of no one better than him to turn to. I hope I'm still ajar-able and not beyond hope. Haha, that sounded contradictory.

And that, with the wisdom of hindsight (new pick-up ;) - redundant.

It's getting a bit scary. When I asked Andrew if he was the one with Amanda, he said they'd broken up close to a month ago and now that I knew who he was, what did I think of him? I didn't know what to tell him so I didn't reply.

Shi Jin and Kian Soon read that particular message today and kept snickering. Shi Jin even took down his number so that he could bug him through his father's private line. I wonder what's going to happen if he really does.

And Lawrence told Shi Jin yesterday that he thinks he heard Jian Wei (the guy who always wears bermuda shorts) say he likes me. If I were to believe this, it would explain why Daniel asked for my number yesterday, then Jian Wei today. I'm quite sure now that Daniel was helping him get my number, only I think I gave him the wrong number because he didn't miss call me though I asked him to.

I sound as though all I can think about are boys. From now on I'm going to pretend that I don't know anything and don't care.